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Chasing my own tail

21 July

I love how life connects the dots. I don’t love how I am always trying to figure out how the dots “should” fit, or how I analyze the pieces or how I can’t let go of problem solving mode.

A few days ago a friend posted a lovely tribute to her husband in honor of their 10th anniversary. Obviously, I am very happy for my friend, but the thing that struck me most deeply was how she described their intention for their relationship as a safe haven, rather than as a growth edge.

The more that I thought about this (which actually is a two edged sword, as you will shortly see), the more I realized that I have been choosing my life with the intention to grow as much as possible! As admirable as I might have thought that might be – it is not particularly fun, comforting, satisfying or fulfilling.

It is great to have transformed my family history. It is beautiful to have survived a whole bunch of crap. It is strong to be able to get through alone. But I’m thinking that it is time now for experiencing safe haven, fulfilling and fun.

And here is where that two-edged sword comes in. I am great at fixing problems!! This is amazing for clients, for business and sometimes for the world at large. I love making a difference. But I do it all the fricking time!! I must drive my friends crazy!

I just want to add in a healthy dose of “letting go” to the problem solving, transformation inducing, and change agent-ing. I want to just feel. I want to simply experience my life. I want to gently observe things unfold, without having to craft it myself. I’m ready to try on safe haven for a while now.

My first inclination is to figure out how to let go. To analyze how this is going to work. To think through how I might bring more safe haven into my life. And therein lies the rub. It isn’t letting go if I’m thinking. That’s me pushing for the growth again. Habits are insidious little things.

So perhaps I have taken this as far as I can for today. I’ll gently set it off into space and just see what comes back.