I know that it is not the holiday season, but I have a Christmas miracle to share. This week I had a powerful reminder of the fact that even crappy experiences are simply love notes from the Universe.

This story starts back in Dec. of 2010 when I had packed up my holiday gifts and headed to the Pacific Northwest for a Christmas gathering with extended family.  The first part of the vacation was wonderful, but mid-way through the second half, my ex decided to express all of his pent up resentment about me.  Apparently, this explosion had been building for about 15 years, because that was how long it had been since we had gone our separate ways.

I’ll spare you the details of the experience, but it was not pretty and it left me essentially stranded on a cold, dark and dreary Christmas Eve. At the time, I was so proud of myself for breaking an old pattern of retreating from the world when I got hurt. I managed to find a place to stay and went into self-reflective mode rather than blaming mode.  I recognized that even though his behavior was clearly over the line, it really had nothing to do with me.  This was another person working out their own stuff. I also recognized that my response to the experience was my own opportunity to grow so I began asking what I was supposed to see or learn from this rather painful turn of events.

The answer to that question finally arrived just a few days ago when I received an unexpected “apology” from my ex.  I have no idea why he felt moved to communicate after all of these years, but I am grateful because it was the catalyst for a major ah ha moment.

The letter explained that he was angry with me because I was so “spoiled and unappreciative”.  That phrase set off a cascade of outrage and well crafted rebuttals.  Quickly, I realized that this was my work to deal with immediately and wholeheartedly.  So I set to journaling – and in this case a lot of verbal dumping.

In that process of venting, I filled pages with examples of lifestyle choices that I had made throughout my life that were the antithesis of “spoiled” behavior. Living in a tipi, hauling my own water, freezing my butt off to chop down trees to build our house, living without electricity and working for years on important causes were simply not the actions of a spoiled person.

When I eventually took a breath from my defense, I was shocked to realize that I had been creating experiences throughout my whole life to prove to myself that I was indeed not spoiled!

So that was my ah-ha moment about me, but there is a much bigger point for all of us.  A very negative experience 2 ½ years ago was actually the signal that a door to healing had been opened!  It took 2 ½ years and a nudge with a funky (but probably well intentioned) letter of apology for the clarity and freedom to arrive in my conscious awareness, but the Universe had started the process with that negative experience.

Often we think that negative experiences are an indication that we are doing something “wrong”. If we lived in a place of trust, we would realize that all experiences are simply part of a living and loving Universe that only wants our expansion and healing.

This was huge chunk of transformation about an outdated tape that I had been playing over and over again, for an entire lifetime!  This tape was responsible for a long litany of belittling, demeaning and just plain difficult choices that I had drawn into my energy field. Ugh!

Apparently, I have done the work and I no longer need this particular tape. Now I can consciously operate from a different paradigm than the belief that I need to be tough; that I can make it through any hardship and that I must struggle to balance the wrongs of the world.

I am once again in awe of the scope of intelligence – and love – that this Universe holds for us.  And I am also vitally aware of how it is that our own tapes, programming, thoughts and beliefs literally create the experiences in our lives. Awareness may not arrive in a linear fashion in the timing that we prefer; life might hurt and we might occasionally feel isolated and lonely.  But, if we can just be patient, trust the work and stay the course to our truth, then we will change the results of our lives and the direction of human innovation.